How to Succeed at Dating in Japan
Romance can be tough between foreigners and Japanese people, but sometimes it's not just cultural differences.
On April 20, 2024, I finally became a married man at age 26. After four years of dating my girlfriend Minori, we decided to tie the knot and make the ultimate decision to hopefully spend the rest of our lives together. It was something we both had planned for a long time and is currently more of a formality than a major change that will affect us in the immediate future, but it was an important milestone nonetheless.
I never thought I would get married this young nor did I think it would happen to me on the other side of the world, yet here we are. Getting married in Japan is the start of a new adventure and further assurance that I’m likely going to be here for the rest of my life. But how did it happen?
Topics related to love and romance in Japan unsurprisingly attract a lot of interest. Tons of late-night television shows offer dating advice, there are services here dedicated specifically to matchmaking leftover from centuries of the omai tradition, and you can’t escape the plethora of J-pop songs, television dramas, films, and anime which revolve around the theme of love. This is the same country which created the dating sim genre of video games after all.
If you’re a foreigner who has decided to live in Japan, it can seem intimidating trying to enter this world of romance as an outsider. You’ll probably ask questions like if Japanese people are interested in dating foreigners or how much factors like linguistic and cultural differences will affect a relationship. Now that I’ve reached the point of marriage, I’m here to offer my own thoughts of how I got here.

It goes without saying that I’m writing this article from my own personal experiences and generalizations based on observable trends. I can really only speak from the perspective of a heterosexual male from the United States, but whatever advice I give should still mostly be applicable to any foreigner curious about how international relationships in Japan work. Everyone is going to have their own experiences, not all Japanese will interact with all foreigners in the same ways, and what kind of people you’ll meet is really down to the luck of the draw like in any other country.
Still, I hope that you’ll find what I have to say interesting and possibly useful. There are a lot of misconceptions or misguided expectations among foreigners toward romance in Japan, so I aim to provide a realistic point of view.
Finding That Special Someone
So you want to meet people to date in Japan — where to start? Beginning with what’s obvious, the dating pool is mostly going to consist of Japanese people given that 98% of Japan’s population is, well, Japanese people. But to get a question you’re probably asking out of the way, is it wise to date other foreigners as a foreigner? Well, it depends.
Most foreigners who are in Japan are only going to be here for a couple of years, and that may include you too. As someone who knew that he was going to be here long-term to permanently, that basically eliminated my own interest in dating people from other countries. If you do choose to go down this route, be sure you both know what your eventual long-term plans will be. As I’ll get into later, not being on the same page when it comes to where you want to plant your feet will lead to inevitable heartbreak.
The majority reading this are going to want to know about what dating Japanese people is like, so that’s what I’ll be focusing on. As for meeting new people, it’s not actually that different than other countries. If you live in a big city like Tokyo or Kyoto, there is no shortage of events which are specifically dedicated to getting foreigners and Japanese to interact each other for the purposes of language exchange or simply making friends.
I would be cautious in using these kinds of meetups specifically for dating because that is not usually their intended purpose. Instead, use them like you would any other social gathering as an opportunity to mingle and socialize. Making friends in Japan can be difficult as a foreigner especially when both sides are often not confident in each other’s languages, but shared hobbies and interests break down many barriers. If you want to date people in Japan, you should start by learning how to make friends with people in Japan first.
I went a different route. Shortly after I moved back to Japan, the pandemic hit and most meetups were cancelled. This lead to a surge in dating apps growing more popular. I did try Tinder and Bumble before the pandemic, but they didn’t lead to anything meaningful. I’m not sure if anything has changed since I haven’t used them in years, but at least back in 2019 most Japanese people viewed apps like Tinder as an opportunity to make friends and not go on dates, while women in particular would rarely show their faces in their profiles for fear of embarrassment. Not to mention there are loads of fake spam accounts.

Instead, I opted for Pairs, one of the many apps that is domestically made and explicitly marketed as an avenue for people interested in dating. The benefit of apps like these is that everyone who uses them knows exactly what they’re for and there’s less room for misunderstandings. A lot of people in this country lead busy lives with long work hours, so platforms like Pairs are the easiest way to meet potential partners. They’re free for women, but men usually have to pay a monthly fee if they want to reply to messages. If you take this option as a guy, I would recommend setting up an account and then paying for one month of the service if the matches come in.
Many Japanese dating apps encourage you to write a detailed profile and sort the profiles that come into your feed by shared hobbies and interests. This immediately increases the chances that you’ll be paired with someone more suited to what you’re looking for. The field is narrowed down even further when you can list if you drink alcohol or prefer non-smoking partners. You can even list your job and yearly income, though it isn’t necessary. I’m not sponsored by them, but through Pairs I got far more matches than any other site I ever used. I met my wife thanks to this app, so it has my recommendation.

There is no set period of time for when a couple is considered “official” or exclusive, but most would usually expect it to happen about a month or two of dating. It can be even sooner though if mutual attraction is clearly there. Japan has a “love-confessing” or kokuhaku culture where one party, usually the guy, will directly ask the girl he’s dating if they want to be a couple. Japanese culture site Tofugu has a guide to it here that I recommend reading if you want to learn more.
I always found it a bit ironic that while social interactions in Japan often rely on unspoken rules, this is an exception where an explicit affirmation is normal. Many Japanese women will expect a kokuhaku at some point, but by the end of our first date, me and Minori already knew we wanted to be a couple after a few weeks of messaging beforehand. No kokuhaku was necessary. On the other hand, another woman I previously dated strung me along for over two months and continued to give me wishy-washy answers around commitment even after I did a kokuhaku. So your mileage may vary.
Assuming that things have gone well, you’re off to the races. Go on fun dates and enjoy the time you have together. As Obi-Wan Kenobi once told Luke Skywalker, you’ve now taken your first step into a larger world.
Speak My Language
Another important question — is it necessary to know Japanese to have successful dating experiences in Japan? Not necessarily, but it does make things a lot easier. I would wager that the biggest reason why a Japanese person wouldn’t be interested in dating or marrying a foreigner is indeed fears of the potential language barrier.
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