Star Wars, We Need to Talk
Star Wars, We Need to Talk
I sit down with Star Wars and advise how he needs to take better care of himself moving forward.
It’s hard to believe that over a decade has passed since Disney bought Star Wars from George Lucas.
But even harder to believe is the current state of the franchise, which is quite the far cry from the anticipation everyone had in the years and months leading up to 2015’s The Force Awakens. What was once the movie event of the decade is now a series that doesn’t even have a concrete release date for any new films at all, instead relying on a slew of television shows which have ranged in quality from surprisingly good to painfully amateur.
This week, another Star Wars television show entitled Ahsoka will hit home screens across the world via Disney+ in what is supposed to be a continuation of the Rebels animated series starring Dave Filoni’s beloved original character. And yet one can’t shake the feeling that hardly anyone seems to care. If you asked the average person who has seen a Star Wars film or show, you would be hard-pressed to find many who are even aware that Ahsoka is happening at all.
I should note that I’m not someone who is automatically anti-Disney Star Wars. I’m a genuine fan of Rogue One and Andor, I think the first two seasons of Mandalorian are solid television, and I’ll even defend Solo as underrated. But when it comes to the main sequel trilogy and shows like Obi-Wan Kenobi, it’s pretty clear to me that the House of Mouse dropped the ball. But what happened?
In this edition of Foreign Perspectives, we’re doing something different. I will assume the role of my alter ego OJ the Media Doctor and have a conversation with my patient, Star Wars. By the end of our talk, I’ll have prescribed how to improve his current course and take better care of himself.
If there’s enough interest, I might even turn this bit into a recurring series since there are more than a few media franchises which are quite ill and in dire need of help. But without further ado, let’s examine today’s ailing man.
OJ: Star Wars, please step into my office.
A balding middle-aged man with a five o’clock shadow enters in the room. He has a protruding belly, reeks of cheap cologne and day-old Jack Daniels, and is wearing a faded T-shirt that claims Gungans are people too.
Star Wars: What’s up, doc?
OJ: It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? You’ve seen better days.
Star Wars: What’s that supposed to mean?
OJ: For someone with your reputation, I would have assumed that your handlers took better care of you.
Star Wars: I’ll admit that I’m not in the best of shape today, but the people still love me!
OJ: Well, that’s what I wanted to talk about. It’s already been over a decade since you switched ownership, huh?
Star Wars: Yeah. Dad got tired of looking after me and decided that he wanted to spend more time on himself.
OJ: And how have things been at the House of Mouse?
Star Wars: I don’t think I want to talk about it. Hey, have you seen Mission Impossible lately? I heard he’s doing well.
OJ: Star Wars, I can’t prescribe anything if we don’t get to the root of the problem.
Star Wars: Fine, fine. You promise this won’t get out, right?
OJ: As a media medical professional, I always abide by patient confidentiality.
Star Wars: Good, I wouldn’t want Mom hearing about this.
OJ: Is that what you call that Kathleen Kennedy woman?
Star Wars: I don’t have much of a choice. No matter how much things get screwed up, she won’t let me go.
OJ: I see. Well, let’s start at the beginning. You first came back into theaters with The Force Awakens.
Star Wars: Did you like it? I was really proud of that one.
OJ: Well imitation is the sincerest form of flattery I guess, but I don’t think that applies to your own work.
Star Wars: What do you mean by that?
OJ: Come on, anyone with two brain cells can see you just remade A New Hope.
Star Wars: But the people loved it! It made over $2 billion!
OJ: Buddy, it was 2015 and you would’ve made that with any film that wasn’t The Holiday Special.
Star Wars: I thought we agreed to never speak of that again.
OJ: Fine, but the point stands. The movie has its fun moments, but it doesn’t hold up that well today. Turning Han Solo into a divorced loser? Rey defeating a trained Sith apprentice having barely touched a lightsaber? Leia hugging her over Chewie after Han’s death? What were you thinking?
Star Wars: People were just glad to see me after all those years and that’s good enough.
OJ: Fine, but you couldn’t rely on nostalgia and good will forever. The Last Jedi is proof of that.
Star Wars: It subverted your expectations didn’t it!
OJ: It subverted my expectations that it would be better than The Force Awakens.
Star Wars: You hated it that much?
OJ: I’m afraid I’m going to have to side with the detractors on this one too.
Star Wars: Why?
OJ: A film of yours that went against formula and did something different would’ve been fine, if it wasn’t part of the Skywalker Saga. Sorry, but there was no reason for Luke to become a depressed lout. And my god, that milking scene. What’s Hollywood’s obsession with turning beloved male protagonists into useless old men these days anyways?
Star Wars: Mom is all about “girl power” and “female empowerment.”
OJ: She’s one of the wealthiest people in the industry and has had her name attached to countless big projects over the last 40 years. And does she really expect us to forget characters like Leia and Mara Jade?
Star Wars: I don’t make the rules, man.
OJ: Sad Luke Skywalker isn’t even the worst part of that film. What the hell did you do to my boy Finn? A stormtrooper who decided to break his indoctrination and join the Rebels? One who might even be Force sensitive? How could you introduce this plot point with so much storytelling potential and just throw it away?
Star Wars: Um.
OJ: And instead you threw in pointless crap like that Canto Bight subplot while getting rid of Snoke before we even got to know him.
Star Wars: It, uh, subverted your expectations though, right?
OJ: You need to stop saying that. Bad storytelling isn’t subverting anyone’s expectations.
Star Wars: It was different from The Force Awakens though! You complained that the last one was too similar to previous Star Wars films so we went in a new direction!
OJ: Did you though? Most of the film still just takes story beats from The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, while the previously mentioned “different” stuff fell flat. There’s the potential for a good movie somewhere in The Last Jedi and it looks alright from a technical perspective, but man are the people who blindly defend this film annoying. And I guess I could say the same about those who think it’s the worst thing ever too. To me it was just disappointing.
Star Wars: Maybe if the film had come out at any time besides the first year of the Trump presidency there would’ve been more room for nuanced conversation. A lot of people on both sides went insane during 2017 to be fair.
OJ: And that’s another thing too. I know that you always touched upon politics in some way with your older films, but you gotta reign it in with alienating your audience. Especially with the stuff the people in charge say to the fans. Rian Johnson arguing with people on Twitter looks bad no matter how you slice it. Imagine if the prequels had come out when social media existed.
Star Wars: Ok, ok. I’ll at least keep that in mind.
OJ: I don’t want to harp on The Last Jedi forever or else I’m going to be the one who’ll need a prescription. Let’s move on to Rise of Skywalker.
Star Wars: Must you torture me so?
OJ: I think even you realized it sucked. Whether you loved or hated The Last Jedi, Rise of Skywalker appealed to no one and pissed off everyone. Again going back to Finn, how could you have wasted such a great character? For a film that was supposed to tie up all the loose ends of a decades-old space opera franchise, you sure introduced a ton of storylines that had no resolutions.
Star Wars: You have to understand that I was going through a lot of complicated things at the time. Change of director, change of script, etc.
OJ: Yeah, we all could tell.
Star Wars: Don’t rub it in.
OJ: I’m sorry, but you can’t ignore the fact that you messed up an entire trilogy. The Force Awakens was a remake of A New Hope. The Last Jedi decided to retcon what The Force Awakens set up and made a bunch of dumb creative decisions while acting like it “subverted expectations” in some kind of intelligent way. Rise of Skywalker decided to retcon things yet again, but was an even bigger mess. I dunno how you can even call this a trilogy with how incoherent everything is.
Star Wars: I didn’t mean for things to get this out of hand.
OJ: I’m sure you didn’t at first, but all of this is modern Hollywood hubris at its finest. Now as for Rogue One and Solo—
Star Wars: Here it comes.
OJ: I thought they were actually pretty good.
Star Wars: Wait, what?
OJ: I’m serious. Rogue One felt like an actual war movie and accomplished the difficult task of having high stakes even though we all knew how this story was going to turn out. I thought it captured the aesthetics of the Empire during the New Hope era well, the performances were convincing, and that Darth Vader hallway scene was one of the best things you ever did.
Star Wars: Wow, thanks. I didn’t expect to hear such high praise from you.
OJ: I even liked Solo. It reminded me a lot of Han’s adventures in the early years of the Expanded Universe. You know, those pulpy novels. Maybe it got too fan servicey at times, but Alden Ehrenreich did a good job capturing the arrogance and naïveté of a young Han Solo at this stage of his life. Donald Glover as a young Lando was even better. Not to mention that fantastic Kessel Run sequence and incredible score.
Star Wars: I’m glad to hear that. Not many saw that one.
OJ: Because you made the mistake of releasing it so close to The Last Jedi when too many people were alienated. You should’ve moved it to the end of 2018 and then delayed Rise of Skywalker to 2020 in order to give it more time in the oven.
Star Wars: We just wanted to have a steady stream of content.
OJ: And that’s the issue, you’re so obsessed with “content” over actually creating media that tells worthwhile and meaningful stories. I think this is your biggest problem right now.
Star Wars: Really?
OJ: Yes, take The Mandalorian for example. For your first live-action television series, you actually did something creative that showed us a different side of your universe. It was serious and gritty like those westerns and samurai films you originally took inspiration from, but also had an interesting protagonist and good hook with the Baby Yoda Grogu character.
Star Wars: So you liked it?
OJ: Yes, but only to a point. Weird CGI deep fakery aside, I thought ending Season 2 with Luke Skywalker in his prime taking away Grogu from Mando to become a Jedi was a fitting conclusion to that storyline. It was something genuinely emotional and heartfelt. But then you had to ruin it by reuniting them in a Boba Fett spin-off show that the vast majority of people didn’t watch.
Star Wars: Uh, well, let’s just say we had to do some story restructuring.
OJ: Did you not learn anything from Rise of Skywalker? Look, I know that Gina Carano got into unnecessary fights on social media and it was bad for the brand, but was firing her really worth it? You axed her character from this intricate television universe you were creating and the haphazard rewrites are so obvious.
Star Wars: Um.
OJ: The Book of Boba Fett and Season 3 of The Mandalorian had some interesting ideas, but you dropped the ball once again. They feel like shows combined with scraps of reworked episodes or canceled spin-offs. It’s very disjointed and you drifted too far from what these characters were supposed to be.
Star Wars: Did you not like seeing Boba Fett return?
OJ: I thought his portrayal in Season 2 of Mandalorian was perfectly fine and in-line with what I imagined a more wisened version of the character would be like. But then in his own show you turned him into a wimp who barely had any control of his circumstances. Other characters did practically everything for him. If I wasn’t familiar with the character already, I’d have no idea that this guy used to be considered one of the most fearsome bounty hunters in the galaxy. And then Mando comes and upstages him. It felt more like The Footnote of Boba Fett.
Star Wars: Well, what about Mandalorian Season 3?
OJ: I didn’t hate it, but it was a clear downgrade from the previous two seasons. The stakes felt far lower and it’s pretty clear that Mando isn’t even the star of his own show anymore.
Star Wars: Pedro Pascal is a busy man.
OJ: Which is why I’m probably assuming we’re not going to see this character for a long time in addition to the ongoing writers strike. Though I guess Mando and Grogu riding off into the sunset is better than what you did to Han and Luke.
Star Wars: Hey, I also brought back Obi-Wan! You liked that show, right?
OJ: I really wanted to, but after thinking it over, that was a disappointment too. You should’ve stuck to your previous plan of an Obi-Wan Kenobi movie instead of turning it into a six-episode show. So many of this show’s characters are idiots and the overall production feels surprisingly cheap. The idea of Obi-Wan reflecting on his life while in exile in between Episode III and IV is a fascinating concept, but John Jackson Miller did it far better in his novel from the old EU. So much of this show was a wasted opportunity.
Star Wars: We brought back Darth Vader though!
OJ: But did you need to? It introduces so many continuity problems. To be fair, it was a pretty epic duel and I’m glad we could see Hayden Christensen as Anakin again. But man, Obi-Wan walking away from that fight without killing him makes zero sense. The original idea of them being separated on a sinking space ship and Vader thinking Obi-Wan died would’ve been far better.
Star Wars: Again, we had some trouble behind the scenes.
OJ: This is exactly what I’m talking about. You’re owned by the richest entertainment company in the world, and yet somehow you keep making all these amateur mistakes when it should count.
Star Wars: I’m not always happy about it either, but it is what it is.
OJ: You need to get over your laziness and stop acting like the fans are just going to lap something up because it has your name on it. And again, I know you’re better than this. Look at Andor.
Star Wars: Oh, you saw that one too? People told me it was going to suck.
OJ: And can you blame them? After that sequel trilogy, Book of Boba Fett, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re the last horse I’d want to bet on at the races. But Andor is probably the strongest thing you’ve done in years. Again like Rogue One, it’s a gritty story that explores the cost of war and the difficult choices humans sometimes have to make to defeat an enemy.
Star Wars: You liked it even though there weren’t any lightsabers or Jedi?
OJ: I liked it because it told a good story with characters I actually cared about. Andor depicted just how bad life is under the Empire, but also that the people fighting against it don’t always make the most ethical decisions either. Showing that the Rebels aren’t all sunshine and rainbows in that way does a far better job at “subverting expectations” than turning Luke Skywalker into a self-hating senior citizen.
Star Wars: So what, we should just hire Tony Gilroy to do everything from now on?
OJ: No, you should hire talented writers and let them do their thing. Everyone loved The Clone Wars for that reason.
Star Wars: We still have Dave Filoni.
OJ: And I hope that he continues to do a good job. I have more faith in him to do you justice than Jon Favreau these days, though I wonder how much of The Mandalorian and Book of Boba Fett’s shortcomings were his fault. Disney has the habit of turning good ideas into crap.
Star Wars: Have you looked at my other media outside of the films and shows?
OJ: Yes and to your credit that stuff probably has the same ratio of good to bad quality as the old EU did. I thought your books A New Dawn, Tarkin, Lords of the Sith, and Dark Disciple were all great. They did a good job of fleshing out eras in between the films and I recommend them to people who were disappointed by the sequel trilogy for better stories. At the same time, who asked for a Canto Bight short story collection? And that comic where an Imperial nurse falls in love with Darth Vader? Were you high on crack?
Star Wars: Well, that’s what happens when so many writers try to create stories about me.
OJ: Fair enough, but man do you fail at the worst times. Those books I mentioned were good, but how many people have read them versus all the people who saw those awful sequel trilogy films? You can’t boast that your restaurant is good because the side dishes are tasty when the main entrees are terrible.
Star Wars: I know, I know. Look, it’s hard creating stuff that appeals to everyone, ok?
OJ: Well, I heard that you have three upcoming films planned. Are they actually happening?
Star Wars: Yeah! We have a new one in the works starring Rey.
OJ: Good lord, again? Do you really think people are excited for that after Rise of Skywalker?
Star Wars: Well James Mangold is also doing a film that’s going to take place at the very beginning of my timeline. It’ll be a Biblical scale epic that goes into the origins of the Force and the Jedi.
OJ: That sounds more interesting. But how’s it coming along?
Star Wars: Uh, James says he’s busy.
OJ: Great, so I’ll file that one under “never happening.”
Star Wars: Don’t forget that Dave Filoni is doing his own film too!
OJ: Really, when’s it coming out?
Star Wars: Maybe late 2026?
OJ: You don’t even have a release date for any of these films?
Star Wars: These things take time.
OJ: Jesus Christ, this is worse than I thought. You have serious commitment issues in following through with these projects. You keep announcing collaborations with directors who are going to make films for you, only for them to leave. What happened to Rogue Squadron? That movie Kevin Feige said he was working on?
Star Wars: That’s just showbiz, baby.
OJ: I understand, but you need to keep this sort of thing on the down-low. When the public sees these stories, it makes it look like you’re having serious problems behind the scenes.
Star Wars: That isn’t too far from the truth.
OJ: Yes, I know. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Speaking of which, this session has gone on for quite awhile. Before we wrap up and I prescribe you something, tell me what you’re working on now.
Star Wars: I have a brand new series by Dave Filoni based on the Ahsoka character coming out this week.
OJ: I saw the previews, but I have to say that I’m concerned.
Star Wars: Why?
OJ: I’m not seeing anyone talking about it. You’ll need significant prior knowledge of Clone Wars and Rebels to understand the story and who characters like Ezra and Thrawn are. To be honest, this is the first show of yours I’m not going to be watching as it releases because I still need to get caught up with Rebels.
Star Wars: Well, I’m sure lots of people will still see it regardless.
OJ: Will they? Look, Ahsoka is a good character, but I doubt she’s going to pull the same viewership numbers as Mando. And even he saw a significant drop during Season 3 because the show went downhill.
Star Wars: Ahsoka may not become the biggest hit ever, but we have Skeleton Crew and The Acolyte too.
OJ: Is that really worth bragging about? No one knows what Skeleton Crew is and the dumb stuff the Acolyte showrunner is saying doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. No one is going to take anything she says about female empowerment seriously either considering that she was the personal assistant to Harvey Weinstein.
Star Wars: There was little hype around Andor, but it still got a ton of praise. Skeleton Crew could be in a similar situation.
OJ: If it’s that good, I’ll be the first person to say it. But a show being good is only one part of its success.
Star Wars: What’s your point?
OJ: My point is that even if these shows are the greatest things since sliced bread, you need to get people to care.
Star Wars: Fine doc, I’m all ears. What should I do?
OJ: First, take a breather and re-evaluate what direction you want to go in. George Lucas changed his ideas constantly, but in the end he had a solid general idea of what direction to take your original trilogy in. I know that not everyone was big on the prequels, but again, he at least had a solid plan and they told a coherent story.
Star Wars: So you’re saying that I need to pull myself together and plan ahead?
OJ: Yes, exactly. It’s fine to change some things as they come, but you have to run a tighter ship. Don’t repeat Rise of Skywalker or the convoluted mess that the current live-action shows are in.
Star Wars: What else can I do to straighten myself out?
OJ: Hire the right people for the job and don’t insult your audience. Most fans who didn’t like The Last Jedi or Obi-Wan Kenobi aren’t these horrible sexists or racists who go out of their way to harass people. Some of the stuff I see your writers post on social media just turns me off from their work entirely. You have fans all over the world from across the political spectrum and intentionally going out of your way to alienate entire segments of it doesn’t foster good will.
Star Wars: Alright, anything else?
OJ: Focus more on quality over quantity. After Skeleton Crew, The Acolyte, and Andor Season 2, take a step back and consider what actually makes an interesting story instead of content to fill a seasonal Disney+ slot. You need to also figure out when you’re actually going to release new movies instead of giving us these vague promises of future projects that probably will never happen. We don’t mind waiting because a film of yours used to be a special event that only happened occasionally.
Star Wars: You’ve given me a lot to consider, doc. I appreciate your time and hopefully I can set myself on the right track again.
OJ: I hope so too. Get a good night’s sleep and call me in the morning if anything comes up. You should make regular check-ups with me.
Star Wars thanks Dr. OJ and leaves the room. Dr. OJ’s secretary enters.
OJ: Ah, Jean. Who’s my next patient for the day?
Jean: It was supposed to be Indiana Jones.
OJ: Indy, Star Wars’ little brother! Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time. When’s he coming?
Jean: Like I said, he was supposed to be your patient. But unfortunately, I just found out that he actually passed away.
OJ: What!? When did this happen!?
Jean: Earlier this year. He was on life support for a long time, but sadly flatlined.
OJ: That’s terrible. This is the first time I’m hearing this.
Jean: Here’s the coroner’s report.
